Reasons I'd Never Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

As you may have worked out from all my The Walking Dead tweets, my obsession with zombies is no secret. In reality however if a mysterious virus were to ever break out, and all of a sudden people did start to mumble the word 'brains'. Than I'm pretty sure I'd be joining them real quick. 

We all say that we would kick ass, and make flamethrowers from discharged bean cans and a blowtorch out of a bin or whatever... but seriously in actual reality you would be crying that you had no time to upload your last selfie before Instagram went down. That there would no more #tbt, no more fast food ...You would be the fast food. It got me thinking about reasons why I probably would not make it in a zombie plagued world, even if in my heart I would love to be slaying off heads like Michoone, seeing Rick Grimes being Rick Grimes and snugging up to Darly Dixon and his crossbow at night. But seriously let me eat your brains.





Footwear

This would be a big issue, I've lost count of the amount of times I have decked it in my uber heels. Knowing my luck I'd be on one of London's worst pavements (they are everywhere) .ie. paving slabs creating a fun house effect to the floor, minus the fun of course just lots of oh look the floor. We all know your not running anywhere in a chunky platform heel, without snapping your ankle in the process 'hello did you want to nibble on me, well okay than'. Same within the house, it's not that I don't own flats but again I know that I'd go to put on my converse as fast as possible and somehow forget where I've left the other one. 


You could get by on bare feet for a while, but at some point you will end up standing on a plug left out of a socket, broken glass, or the worst a piece of lego.  Maybe a solution would be to duck tape a pair of boots (flat ones) to my back just incase. 




What To Bring

At the best of times I'm not the best packer, so I'm pretty sure I would get bitten even while packing things or because I thought it was a good idea to bring that extra bag as I like shoe opinions.  I think I would do well on supply runs, but soon realise that whilst grabbing some knifes I'd left the can opener. Because in real life I forget why I even came into a room, and have to go through what I was just doing to remember. I'm part zombie already. Rather than remembering the important stuff, I'd have one of those really annoying advert 'theme tunes' looping in my brain. 


If I was lucky enough to make it to a supermarket which had a little left, you would find me in the kitchen aisle fighting them off with a rolling pin or cheese grater looking for that can opener so I could eat. Because when faced with eating, it's always better to risk life for the good stuff like spaghetti hoops or chilli con carne in a tin. 
So it's time I made a zombie what to bring check list, before I'm singing Go Compare, Gala LA LA or (insert any other twatish singing ad that won't leave my brain). 





Food


Now I'm sure everyone has their guilty moments- Don't lie we have all been there, own it. You know you shouldn't eat something because it belongs to someone else - Partner, sibling, work mate, flatmate but belly isn't happy. But it's there and you have no choice but to make belly your best friend again.  It's not food itself that would be the threat, I'm pretty sure I'd be throw to the zombies by my group because I'd raided supplies. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but if your leaving your half a packet of M&Ms than you only have yourself to blame. I'm not sure I could face eating squirrels, so I would defiantly be having your bake beans, cheese, crisps and any kind of bread ....Just give me all the carbs, now or I'll use my rolling pin. 





Who To Trust

I like to think I have good judgment, but I know I tend to buy into whatever crap someone will tell me. I guess I like to give people a fair chance. I think everyone has those types of people in their lives, that are there for the good. But when it comes to you dying of flu, suddenly they are no where to be found. In this life it's fine. Party people can sometimes make life a little less dull. In Zombieland not so great, 'what do you mean your busy?' as they run off with all your food, while you wrestle off a zombie going for your neck. At the same time I maybe to quick to judge, also I usually end up doing things myself as I don't trust others to get them done ... My control freak side would be amped up to 11 I'm sure, and while I'm taking them out I'm pretty sure my group would just leave me to it. 



So yes sadly I think I probably would be a zombie, I'd be the one in the glitter platforms dragging herself around - I'd be a jazzy zombie. But for some unknown reason if I survived, I would hope that everything zombie films have show me is true. Because I'm pretty sure we would all be done for if taking out the brain is not the way to take them out. Do you think you would survive or be hanging out with me and the zombie crew? 

Note: I wrote this for a laugh and to declare my love for The Walking Dead, please don't take my advice and duck tape shoes to your back promise. I think if I can manage two kids who half the time are like Zombies with non stop eating, sleeping and the odd bite etc I would hope I could take out my fair share of zombies but where would be the fun in writing about that . 

1 comment

  1. Haha I am also a zombie fanatic and I LOVED reading this. I've been having so many zombie dreams since the new season started back. I still don't have my escape plan sorted incase it does happen... x

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