Today I turn 33, and unlike most people I've seen having a breakdown the older they get even when they are barely out of their teens. I'm actual happy. Happy because I'm here, happy because I'm healthy apart from a few aches and pains, happy because I'm no longer angry at life and I have good people in my life who I don't have to prove myself too.
Don't get me wrong I have my bad days, but unlike in my 20s I feel I deal with things more. Rather than telling myself yeah I'll do things later, I'm pushing myself to do them in the now. Also I've been thinking more about how I spend my time, it's hard to keep a balance of everything. I think it's important not to feel guilty about taking time out from things too. For me sometimes that may include being on social media accounts, going out when I don't need to and sometimes my blog. I think while I enjoy them, taking time out when I'm feeling like I may became depressed, has also had a massive impact on my well being. I guess it's knowing and working out a time to push and a time to hit the relax button.
Yellow Coat: Primark
Pink Beanie: Topshop
Rainbow Crochet Top: Made by me
Pineapple Bag: Primark
Acid Wash jeans: Primark*
I'm managing my BDD - Body Dismorphic Disorder, better than I ever have before refocusing my energy into projects be it, sewing, crochet or some silly craft time with my two little boys. If you read my previous post you would know I learnt how to crochet, and I can't tell you how good it feels to actual wear something I've made. Okay so it's not perfect or everyone's cup of tea, but from moaning ' I can't do this' to being here I have a taste for something new. I made this rainbow top for myself, it took a couple of failed attempts before I got it right. But I wanted something just for me, something bright and happy to remind myself that I can achieve my goals.
That I'm strong, that I don't need anyone's permission or approval to be myself. I'm happy that my negative self hasn't won, that 20 something me may have been self-destructive but somehow she's not here now. I didn't change who I am, I just let go of what I will never be. It didn't happen over night, it took years but it's never too late never. Sadly this week the world lost another legend David Bowie, a man who stood up for what he believed in and was never ashamed or afraid to be who he was. This is me standing up and saying this is me.
I hope that if your reading this and your not in the best place, you give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up because your not ticking off the to do list, stop beating yourself because you gained an extra pound. Stop comparing yourself to someone who has had a completely different life experience than you, you have your own struggle and you don't have to justify yourself to others. Take your pain, and use your pain and find something that's about you. Something that you have passion for, something you want to do. It doesn't have to be big or small, and even if you take the smallest step towards it just go for it. The trick is not about not feeling, it's redirecting all the hurt into a positive thing. It takes time, but that's all we have so never forget to make some for yourself.