Life In My Thirties

I use to dread the idea of getting 'older', but honestly with every year life seems to make more sense and if I'm really honest I cringe at how much time I wasted worrying about absolute crap. Stupid things I did, neglecting myself and being my own worst enemy has taken it's toll. Floating in my failures, than trying to justify my actions to myself. All that time gone. 

So what to do now, sit and pour over others achievements and keep putting myself in the naughty corner. Hell no. While others told me how they recoiled when blowing out their candles, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted. That somehow now the big 3-0 was done and dusted, like most I could now just get on. People who once said 'oh but your so young for blah blah', have grown also and I guess see things more clearly too.  Most have told me how brilliant I was for caring for my mum -She was diagnosed as being bi-polar when I was 17. Then I didn't feel it at all, by 19 I was working two jobs and having to retake my last year at university as my nan had just passed away. I'd never felt so lost, and so low. When I had any free time, I was out partying with friends as a way to cope with the chaos. I was a mess, hanging on by the skin of my teeth to a life I wasn't sure I even wanted to be apart of anymore. 

I'm 33 now and I turn 34 next month, I know that I didn't fail. What could I have been failing at, expect the rules that society has set. Rules that ignore what you actual want, rules that  don't merit you on being a good person. No one throws you a party, for not marrying the wrong person, or  not having kids you won't love. No one throws you a party, for always being able to pick the pieces up again and again. Then I would shout from the roof tops why this and that, but now I know I don't owe anyone anything. I refuse to waste my time. Because that's all that matters in life is time, you can't keep looking back. It's not going to get you what you want or need in life. 

Now I want to look after myself, I've never felt more confident in my skin. When I was young I would grab the tiniest bits of skin, and feel ill, I was always ill and found every task exhausting. After having two kids and eating what I want, I have belly rolls, beautiful belly rolls that remind me that I'm no longer a fragile girl desperately trying to fit in. Sure I would love to have have abs and a fit body, but I don't have to have. It's my choice, as it is anyones. I didn't feel that before, I punished my body and rejected it completely. 

My skin has some fine lines now and it's okay, it's normal. It's great to not feel pressure to look like some airbrushed version of myself. My skin has always been my biggest concern, and the amount of time spent worrying breaks my heart for younger me. I want to scoop her up, and say it's not important. Yes I have down days, but I've had those since I was 13 the difference is I don't act on them. I craft, read, go out or stay in and have a good old boxset binge. It's taken me so long to feel like I can own who I am, time has given me that. There's no time to doubt myself, don't get me wrong I suffer with depression (which I now feel I can really talk about) and my life isn't perfect. But it doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be. 

Since entering into the thirties club, I've gone makeup free for weeks at a time. - Not a big deal to some, but for a women with Body dysmorphic disorder who use to do her makeup up to seven times a day for fear of it looking 'wrong' it's massive. Eating without guilt, and owing my body. I've taught myself to crochet, and started knitting again. There are plenty of things I would like to have done, like travel but I put others first and I'm okay with that. Getting older doesn't mean having to feel you should do things a certain way. Everyone has rules for things you should do when your young, and things to do when your older. I say do what feels right for you. 

I have calmed done more, and I can't tell you how great it feels. My life always felt out of control and one drama after the next. It finally feels stable and for me I've started to see what really matter. You see who's there for you, and it's no longer a case of having everything. I look back at things I wanted in my twenties, and now I'm not even sure who I was than. Life felt short and I wanted to do everything all at once. 

But it's never too late I'll travel soon, and do more of what I love. I'll still make the odd fuck ups, but I won't give up. With each mistake comes a lesson, I thank younger me she was crazy fun sometimes. I'm excited for my birthday, not for presents or even cake (well a little bit) just because younger me could have stopped that from happening. I feel like all the hurt that girl carried is gone. I'm no longer lost, and yes it's scary as hell because I still don't have the answers I just care less about having them. Are you in your thirties or beyond, what would you tell younger you?