I Cry, I Smile

I cry .......................
Because I feel I'm a bad mother sometimes,  I will shout and I don't mean to. Corben will play up and I feel overwhelmed and feel I can't cope I look at other mums and feel I'm not doing enough.


When people ask me about what I do, I get down at not having a job and feel constantly judged plus it means I can't do things that people invite me too sometimes. I look after Corben full time and help my mother (who's Bio polar)  my mum is great when she's well, but because of her illness it's hard when she gets unwell.


That my mum has this illness, she is such a great person and her illness has cost her everything. She deserves the world.


For Barry, I wish I could do more for him I hate having to ask him for things and I miss being able to surprise him with presents (like I use to), and  struggle to give him my time and having my own too. It's hard to try and juggle everything, I also hate seeing how talented he is in his photography and him not doing it full time.


I struggle to accept who I am, I was bullied when I was younger and have worked through so many issues I have BDD also know as Body Dysmorphic disorder, I struggle to find anything I like about myself and use to take hours to get ready and sometimes not go anywhere because I feel sick about myself. People think your vain and people stop inviting you places because they get sick of waiting, Barry gets angry because we waste a good day out.


Dyslexia (I even had to spell check that) I feel dumb and a lone, I hate when people correct me as it brings back memories of being made to read out loud at school (and being bullied). I have read one book from front to back, it makes me feel like a freak and I feel people look down on me. Word Nazi's have no idea how it feels to see what I do, people assume your lazy and thick it gets me down.

(Image: Mine)

I smile  ...............




That I have such an amazing son and feel that I can mother my own way, I must not compare I am my own person. Plus I don't know these women are better, they just SEEM better.




I have the time with my son and my mother, I should not take this time for granted it won't last forever. I'm sure once I'm back to work I will want this back, the grass is always greener on the other side and all that. My friends ARE supportive and the true ones understand that I don't always have the money or time. They surprise me and always make a huge fuss of me when we have a get together, they have to work and sometimes are wiped out but always make time to call or we meet up.


That I have my mother, yes she has this illness but she is still here and battles her demons. That she now has a gorgeous grandson the best gift I could ever give her.




That Barry and I are like any couple with kids, we must make time together and plan things to look forward to. One day when things are more sorted I hope me and Barry will both do our dream jobs, at least we are healthy and have each other.




Showing pictures of me on this blog, and talking with all you lovelies has shown me that you must accept and love who you are. If you don't embrace yourself no one will, after seeing other bloggers dealing with haters too makes me think 'Fuck The bullies!!!!' Yes FUCK YOU, the haters you are sad, bitter little people and you clearly have esteem issues yourself. No one will ever bring me down to my lowest point EVER again!


To my dearest word nazi, words are words let it go.


Be****se I ha*e h*d en**gh ! Th*s *s h** I s*E Yo8r le77er's and N8mb9ers so G5t ov0r i6 :P


Some of us have to work 24/7 to work out the never ending puzzle that is the written word (and numbers, plus some see in mirror image and even upside down), I'm not saying that us dyslexics don't care about what we write or that we don't read, we just don't need you to tell us about correcting every little thing the fact that some of us can write at all is such an achievement. If your my friend well that's different, a friend will tell you out of love not to be little you and act like their perfect, so if I don't know you kindly eat your words. If us dyslexics run the world and you had to read in our way, we would give you a chance, plus for the record we are not lazy or thick and we can be hugely successful just ask Sir Richard Branson .....yeah. I write this blog and tackle my dyslexia head on, it won't hold me back.


I am a mother, a good girlfriend, a loving friend and I am far from perfect. I am embracing who I am and I will never stop growing and pushing ideas, perceptions and questioning my judgement on things. 


So this is me. I want to say a huge thank you to Gem 'from with Gem with love' who always inspires me to not be scared of judgement, in real life you would know this about me, I am very up front and many would say blunt in real life I grew up damn quick, and learned that life is cruel and unfair so  if someone is good to you treasure it and sometimes question it. Also to Laura from 'a daisy chain dream' who is so open and honest about what she has been through, and has so much strength and puts herself out there instead of hiding away thank you. Also to you all for your support, and just because your name is not here does not mean you don't inspire me and make me smile or cry with things your blog's and things you share. Stay true to yourself my dears and stay strong xxxx


 For all my beautiful people, my family, friends you make me x