I Cry, I Smile



I cry .......................
Because I feel I'm a bad mother sometimes,  I will shout and I don't mean to. Corben will play up and I feel overwhelmed and feel I can't cope I look at other mums and feel I'm not doing enough.


When people ask me about what I do, I get down at not having a job and feel constantly judged plus it means I can't do things that people invite me too sometimes. I look after Corben full time and help my mother (who's Bio polar)  my mum is great when she's well, but because of her illness it's hard when she gets unwell.


That my mum has this illness, she is such a great person and her illness has cost her everything. She deserves the world.


For Barry, I wish I could do more for him I hate having to ask him for things and I miss being able to surprise him with presents (like I use to), and  struggle to give him my time and having my own too. It's hard to try and juggle everything, I also hate seeing how talented he is in his photography and him not doing it full time.


I struggle to accept who I am, I was bullied when I was younger and have worked through so many issues I have BDD also know as Body Dysmorphic disorder, I struggle to find anything I like about myself and use to take hours to get ready and sometimes not go anywhere because I feel sick about myself. People think your vain and people stop inviting you places because they get sick of waiting, Barry gets angry because we waste a good day out.


Dyslexia (I even had to spell check that) I feel dumb and a lone, I hate when people correct me as it brings back memories of being made to read out loud at school (and being bullied). I have read one book from front to back, it makes me feel like a freak and I feel people look down on me. Word Nazi's have no idea how it feels to see what I do, people assume your lazy and thick it gets me down.


DSC07648
(Image: Mine)


I smile  ...............




That I have such an amazing son and feel that I can mother my own way, I must not compare I am my own person. Plus I don't know these women are better, they just SEEM better.




I have the time with my son and my mother, I should not take this time for granted it won't last forever. I'm sure once I'm back to work I will want this back, the grass is always greener on the other side and all that. My friends ARE supportive and the true ones understand that I don't always have the money or time. They surprise me and always make a huge fuss of me when we have a get together, they have to work and sometimes are wiped out but always make time to call or we meet up.


That I have my mother, yes she has this illness but she is still here and battles her demons. That she now has a gorgeous grandson the best gift I could ever give her.




That Barry and I are like any couple with kids, we must make time together and plan things to look forward to. One day when things are more sorted I hope me and Barry will both do our dream jobs, at least we are healthy and have each other.




Showing pictures of me on this blog, and talking with all you lovelies has shown me that you must accept and love who you are. If you don't embrace yourself no one will, after seeing other bloggers dealing with haters too makes me think 'Fuck The bullies!!!!' Yes FUCK YOU, the haters you are sad, bitter little people and you clearly have esteem issues yourself. No one will ever bring me down to my lowest point EVER again!


To my dearest word nazi, words are words let it go.


Be****se I ha*e h*d en**gh ! Th*s *s h** I s*E Yo8r le77er's and N8mb9ers so G5t ov0r i6 :P


Some of us have to work 24/7 to work out the never ending puzzle that is the written word (and numbers, plus some see in mirror image and even upside down), I'm not saying that us dyslexics don't care about what we write or that we don't read, we just don't need you to tell us about correcting every little thing the fact that some of us can write at all is such an achievement. If your my friend well that's different, a friend will tell you out of love not to be little you and act like their perfect, so if I don't know you kindly eat your words. If us dyslexics run the world and you had to read in our way, we would give you a chance, plus for the record we are not lazy or thick and we can be hugely successful just ask Sir Richard Branson .....yeah. I write this blog and tackle my dyslexia head on, it won't hold me back.


I am a mother, a good girlfriend, a loving friend and I am far from perfect. I am embracing who I am and I will never stop growing and pushing ideas, perceptions and questioning my judgement on things. 


So this is me. I want to say a huge thank you to Gem 'from with Gem with love' who always inspires me to not be scared of judgement, in real life you would know this about me, I am very up front and many would say blunt in real life I grew up damn quick, and learned that life is cruel and unfair so  if someone is good to you treasure it and sometimes question it. Also to Laura from 'a daisy chain dream' who is so open and honest about what she has been through, and has so much strength and puts herself out there instead of hiding away thank you. Also to you all for your support, and just because your name is not here does not mean you don't inspire me and make me smile or cry with things your blog's and things you share. Stay true to yourself my dears and stay strong xxxx


 For all my beautiful people, my family, friends you make me x

15 comments

  1. This really touched me, I'm so proud you got it out, you've inspired me, you don't need to thank me, you're my friend, and I hope you are ok xxx

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  2. Keep smiling baby! I love your brain! Without it you wouldn't be so unique to me. You are a good writer, a brilliant mother and a fantastic girlfriend, I love you, and our son soo much with all my heart...keep blogging.

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  3. This is a lovely post. It's easy to pick and choose parts of your life to display in blogland to make it seem as if all is well but I think it's brilliant that you have been so honest and open and I think that people will respect you greatly for that. If you ever feel down just hop over to Twitter and we'll all pick you up :)
    I've not been blogging for long but one of the first things I noticed was that there was such a strong community on Twitter of bloggers who will take the time to answer your questions and pick you up if you're feeling down. It really makes it worth while for me and I think it's a lovely juxtaposition to all those hollywood movies that make fashion seem shallow and bitchy.
    Gem must be so proud to have inspired so many people with her lovely post the other day.
    Hope you have a lovely day today
    x

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  4. Lovely post - keep going - your son will be so proud of you !

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  5. Hello Missis, I think sometimes in our little blogging world we look at pretty pictures etc and blockout reality a little bit. I really like that you brought us a slice of reality. I have a good friend with bipolar and understand how tough it must be for your poor Mum, but also on you too. I completely understand the pressures of motherhood...it is hard, especially on relationships, but so rewarding. You're one of the most lovely people I've had the pleasure of getting to know online, I think you're all round ace and I love that you persevere with your fantastic blog despite dyslexia - I love it! xxxxxxx

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  6. I am really lacking in words, but I love this post,
    you are such a lovely person, and never fail to put a smile on my face x

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  7. You are really great person, so sweet, kind and caring!

    It must be hard for you to struggle with your own battles and help with your mum and a toddler in tow! But you seem like a wonderful mother and a great girlfriend. Don't worry about what other mums do, if your boy turns out the way you are proud of then you know you have done a good job, don't forget kiddies are wild and don't know what they are doing haha!

    Stay strong mwah xxxx

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  8. This is such a touching post Laura. It's the good things that matter in life, don't ever let other people get you down. xxx

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  9. i love your quirky glasses and turquoise eye makeup. i really hope that you feel better and keep up your spirits! =)

    http://pinkchampagnefashion.blogspot.com/

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  10. This is a great post. I love that you are able to find positives with any situation. That is really hard to do and I definitely admire you for it.
    xx
    Alicia

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  11. this post is everything ive needed to hear recently <3 its reality for so many of us and its nice to know were not alone in the madness. youre inspiring, and so is gem too :) my favourite girls! xx

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  12. What a brave post.
    Most of the people I have liked on this planet have been dyslexic. Sometimes I think that if you don't have to struggle for something you can't possibly appreciate the sweetness of the reward. Let me tell you, most of the people you admire or aspire to be have probably felt the same way you do. Sad, confused, lonely, left out. When I don't have work I feel sad and like others are judging me. Sometimes I feel like no one will ever love me. Sometimes I think my life is rubbish. I surround myself with pretty things but sometimes I feel like no one's attracted to me. But . . . there's light at the end of the tunnel. It passes like the wind. And I try to take each day, one step at a time. Because each day is new and different and a chance to make right the wrongs. Hugs.

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  13. Loved this post, it was so lovely hearing your heartfelt emotions. I am most touched at how you feel like a bad mother sometimes but seriously? Those mothers who pretend they are so great because they enroll their kids in activities every night are not any better! They just don't want to spend time with their kids haha. You are probably such an amazing mother and I can tell because you speak with such love for your child. Also, with the dyslexia bit, thanks for helping me understand. My boyfriend has dyslexia and never really talks about it so thanks for helping me be a little nicer to him when his spelling errors bother me!

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  14. Just read this and slightly welled up. I kindv know you feel. I dont mean to sound all morbid and "woe is me" but i have a medical condition which means i cant drive.

    Sometimes i feel abit useless because i cant help out my mum in ways that my sister can.

    I think sometimes we feel like we're not doing enough when in reality we are. Just by being there were doing so much. Thanks for sharing this xx

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Thank you for your comments, I really do love hearing from you x

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