Me, Myself & Makeup

I first started using makeup when I was about 13, I was clueless. I mean my mum was a bit of a hippy, and her only advice was to was wash my face with soap! So I had to self teach through asking girls at school, and looking at photos in magazines to try and guess how they did it. Yes there was a time when you couldn't just google, and a You Tube video would appear telling you the In's and outs of everything. 

So to say that my makeup was awful, is a HUGE understatement I loved glitter which made it worst. My skin was five shades to pale, my eyeliner was smudged and never matched and I looked like I had just stick my face into a makeup bag full of open product. Now I can get my winged liner done in less than 15 minutes, know what colours I need to blend out and tell if a blusher will make be look more drag than fab. Yes it's take me years, but I got here at least I hope I have! 

There's another side to my relationship with makeup that I wanted to share, I have BDD otherwise know as body dysmorphic disorder, so makeup become a tool in dealing with the hate I felt for my face if I could cover it up maybe the hate would go. 'Did she say hate?!' Sadly yes BDD is a disorder which to put into simple terms, makes you view yourself differently you loath your own body image. I also suffered with depression, obsessive thoughts on how I would fix my face, body and anxiety as a result of the BDD, I also found it hard to talk to new people and felt constantly judged. It took over my life.

Image: mine

I think a lot of people assumed I was vain as I would check how I looked constantly, little did they know that my appearance often made me literally sick. I was always running late because I had to get my makeup 'perfect', often taking it off and putting it all back on up to 7 times a day on a good day- my OCD was completely out of hand and I was consumed by my anxiety to fit in. Makeup became my mask that felt like a huge weight around my neck, I felt people would reject me without it. I hated myself for letting people down, for not being able to be positive for not being there for them, I thought I was a failure who didn't deserve them in my life. I can't believe I wasted so much of my life not going out with friends, because I hated the thought of someone seeing my spots. Not going on dates because I though I wasn't good enough for someone, and that no one could ever love me. 

I wanted to share this as I still have BDD, and always will but it doesn't rule me now. I think humour helped me, before I used it to cover up my feelings with jokes and it was a way of keeping people distant. Now I can joke about things I do find funny, I know that I will never be anything like the images of 'perfection' I had in my head growing up. But now I don't want to be, because I'm me and I'm so much more than my face! I go to the shops without makeup on, and I never thought I'd be blogging with my mug all over it! Plus now I'm lucky if I get 20 minutes to put on makeup, what with my two little boys. I think having support got me here too. When I finally spoke to my friends and family about how I felt, having their love and honesty pushed me to get help. Seeing that no one actual cares about my face took a long time, their too busy living their lives and I can relax when I go out. If you feel this way and need support please talk to someone, your not selfish and getting help for BDD will change your life you don't have to feel trapped or alone.  

I think when it comes to makeup you need to be in control, and not let it become who you are it's just a fun add on to yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, and if you use makeup as a mask than try a makeup free day, it maybe just the empowerment you need to realise that it's okay to not wear any. Don't look in the magazines or to your television and believe that these people have the perfect anything, no one does! There secret is not makeup, it's air brushing, lighting and a team of pros's slapping whatever they can on to achieve this so called 'perfection'. If you can love your face makeup free, than think how much better you feel when you put a little on. Embrace your face and your features, and if you do what to wear makeup use it to bring out the beauty that is already there. 

So now I wear makeup every now and than, but I don't have to it's my choice I think it's fun, and it's no longer something I'm trapped behind. Not wearing makeup shouldn't be seen as brave, it's normal and we all have one thing better than any makeup and that's a smile so remember to use it (you love the cheese).

How do you feel about makeup? Do you have BDD? Share your thoughts I would love to hear your side.


  1. This is such an emotive post, you put everything across so eloquently about something which is SO hard to talk about, I have so much respect for you, writing this.
    I have BDD, too - just today, in fact, I refused to leave my house because my skin looks so bad - have refused, in fact, to commit to moving back to university because it's so bad, and share your relationship with make up, I think, from the way you described it. I'm so often accused of being vain or high-maintenance, when in actual fact make up is kind of a coping mechanism for the self-loathing that BDD can make you feel, right?

    I do have SO much admiration for your honesty, and maybe not wearing make up shouldn't be seen as brave, but you facing your problems so directly and overcoming them definitely is :) xx

    1. This comment actual has me crying, thank you so much for sharing that you too suffer from BDD. I say suffer because people do, I think it's easy for people to make light of something that they can not see, but they have no idea how it can affect your every day life. Also for some it's an issue with their body, I know a lot of girls who battle eating disorders- which I have also been through too, which is also life destroying. But for me my face is the main issue I have, I think makeup is like a comfort blanket, but it doesn't help with whats really happening.

      I really hope you have better days soon my lovely, you have to battle it a day at a time and don't feel you have too do anything. When your at your lowest point, ban mirrors for a few days and have friends or some family over to just watch some movies or have a games night. For me distraction always helps, and will lower the anxiety. There is so much more to you never forget that.

      A tip I still use to this day is the 'message mirror', pick the mirror you use daily and the most and write and stick positive things you have done around it, something you like about you( maybe your eye's, good eyebrows etc..) and photos of a really happy time you have had. It sounds lame, but it may give you a little boost on the low days. Big loveage and thank you so much for being brave and sharing your story xx

  2. wow, this must have been really difficult for you to live through, but congratulations on managing your disorder and getting to a point where you're happy with yourself now, that's a huge achievement. :)

    i used to never wear make up because i was ~so punk~ in high school and then when i wanted to wear it i didn't really know where to start. i had a make up lesson though, and found the right colours for my skin tone and learned about a few different products and now i wear it almost every time i leave the house. not because i feel like i have to but because i enjoy getting dressed up and it makes me feel good/comfortable/confident, so wearing make up is a part of that.

  3. You are amazing. I'm a bit the same with makeup,
    I used to HAVE to wear it to get out of the house, now I've toned it down a little and went totally without in Spain,
    I must try it in the UK too. I don't need a damn mask on.


  4. Makeup does seem to become a mask for a lot of women, and I don't think many see past the 'vanity' side of things. It's easy to say 'i don't give a fuck what you think' but much harder to put into practice so I'm so glad for you that you are now able to get a handle on your BDD. It takes a lot of guts to write a post like this and I have nothing but respect and admiration for you. Xo

  5. What a personal and inspiring post, thanks so much for sharing! It's so great to hear how you have overcome some of the issues you had as a child living with BDD and I think you have a great attitude towards it all.

    I think it's really important to share your experience on sensitive subjects like this if you are able to as there may be others out there going through the same thing with noone to talk to or thinking they're on their own. Posts like this could help them so much.

    So much love for you lady! What a wonderfully honest and brave post. <3

  6. This is such an amazing post and I totally admire your honesty.
    I too suffer, I know I can't see myself, if that makes sense? I know my mind distort my image but I can't do anything else.
    Recently I realised BBD is definitely something to battle through as it really can ruin relationships as it is an obsession. Perfect make up and even more perfect nail varnish is my mask, but the people in my life can see under that, and loosing those people is worse than walking to the shop without make up on.
    Thank you for sharing, I find you so inspiring, you really give me hope that its something to overcome and there will be people out there who will put up with me while I'm going through this. Lx

  7. Great blog post hun, and good on you for your honesty, sharing it with us all. Very touching, and certain parts I could defo relate to. You should defo feel proud and I am so glad I met you at the London Bloggers meet ages ago. <3 xx

  8. Oh Laura I had no idea about your BDD. My 16 year old sister has it (she is beginning to recover now) and was in the priory last year. I often feel really alone when trying to explain it to people- if she had anorexia people would get it, but it feels people don't know about BDD and/or don't take it seriously. Thanks for writing this post, I'm going to tell my mum about it and hopefully it will give her hope for my sis as you're doing so well now!


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